I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He uses pillows to masturbate.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
