i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
