if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
