I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
