so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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