The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
