I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it's like iHOP with fire
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
