Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
