I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
