I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
