I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
