two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
