Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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