that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
