Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
