found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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