I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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