Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
