You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
