He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
