Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
