We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
