I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i think i have two assholes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
