i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
