How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
