Your mouth is God's brothel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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