he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
