I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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