i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
