My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
