wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
