The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
