I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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