im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
