What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just high enough for therapy.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
