It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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