her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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