I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
