i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
