Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
