How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
