He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
