Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
we're so committed to being not committed
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The ass gains better be worth it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
