Your face is a jimmy john
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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