this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
