wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Are we still banned from the library?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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