on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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