Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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