im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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