my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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