Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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