I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
