I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
